Let Her Rip!

     This incident took place in Northern Canada, Me and my partner found ourselves in the midst of an unforgettable and hilarious adventure. It all started with a conversation in the parking lot of a local Tim Horton’s. My partner and I were sitting in the ambulance, sipping coffee and talking about castrating bulls on his family farm, which left us both feeling squeamish and squirming at the thought of cutting off those bull testicles. Little did we know that fate had a twisted sense of humor in store for us that day.

     As we sat in our ambulance, discussing the bizarre topic, an emergency call came in. The computer screen displayed an intriguing message - "Psychiatric / Abnormal Behaviour Complaint” and the details read, “40 Male, Self-Castration." I couldn't believe my eyes, thinking it must be some sort of typo or a strange coincidence. Perhaps our previous conversation had been overheard on the radio? Was someone screwing with us?

     Curiosity piqued to say the least, in shock we weren’t stood down from a practical joke, we arrived at a farmhouse and with it we found a blood-stained note taped to the front door of the home. We braced ourselves for the worst, expecting a suicide or a gruesome sight. However, as we entered the house, we were greeted by the unexpected sight of a firefighter and an RCMP officer laughing hysterically as they walked out of the bathroom.

     Confused but intrigued, we proceeded cautiously and curiously. We followed a trail of blood into the bathroom, where we discovered a man lying in a tub, wearing a makeshift diaper made from a garbage bag. Next to him was a bottle of vodka, evidence of his pain-numbing efforts.

     After introducing ourselves as paramedics and assuring the man of our intent to help, we asked him to recount the events that led to this bizarre situation. The man, finding his own story clever and funny, explained that he had cheated on his wife multiple times, and she had threatened to rip his balls off if he ever did it again. In a misguided attempt to prove his remorse, he had taken matters into his own hands and castrated himself using a razor blade and vodka.

     Naturally, my partner and I both cringing and grimacing as we listened to the man's gruesome tale. We couldn't help but wonder how he had managed to survive such an ordeal. To our surprise, the man had an answer - he told us he had learned an old military tactic from a friend using flour to aid in clotting and had covered his wounds with plastic, or in this case, a garbage 

bag diaper stuffed with some paper towel. With a mix of disbelief and the little professionalism left in us, we treated the man's wounds, removing the clumpy blood-soaked flour with normal saline and applying wet sterile dressings and lastly an adult diaper. 

     But there was still one task left before transport - locating the severed testicles. Initially uncooperative, but after several frustrating attempts asking the same question over and over “Where Are Your Balls Sir?” and being very firm that “We Aren’t Going Anywhere without Them!” the man eventually revealed that he had stored them in a green cottage cheese container in his freezer. To this day I refuse to believe the fire department or RCMP, listening to me negotiate with my patient that day, ever laughed so hard on a medical assist call.

     As we made our way to the hospital, I had to do a radio patch ahead to inform the staff of the unusual case we were bringing in. The disbelief in the nurse's voice was palpable as I mentioned a self-castration. By the time we arrived, as the back doors of the ambulance swung open, nurses and doctors from all over the hospital stood excitedly anticipating the sight of testicles in a cottage cheese container. To this day, I have never seen so many nurses and doctors in one ER.

     Weeks later, coincidently the same partner and I found ourselves at work when this patient from that eventful day walked in to ask questions about how to pay his bill. To our surprise one more time, he had some important advice to share. Apparently, a surgeon explained to him that if he had let his wife carry out her threat and rip his balls off, surgeons could have reattached them. Instead, due to his smooth razor blade cut, he was left with fake implants.

     And so, the moral of this hilarious tale is that if your wife ever threatens to rip your balls off, it's okay to " Let Her Rip!" - just make sure to consult a surgeon afterwards. After all, as we paramedics learned, life can be stranger than fiction, and laughter can be found even in the most unexpected places.